Funny SMS

Banta walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
Banta says, “I`ll have a burger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich.
“What`s yours?”
“I`ll have the same” says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order.
“That will be Rs 146.50 please,”
Banta reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, Banta and his ostrich come again, and Banta says, “I`ll have a burger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I`ll have the same.”
Once again Banta reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress.
“No, this is sunday night, so I will have a chicken burger, baked potato and salad,” says Banta.
“Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be Rs 362.75.”
Once again Banta pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can`t hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says Banta, “several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just have to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always he there.”
“That`s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you`ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That`s right! Whether it`s a coke or a BMW, the exact money is always there,” says Banta.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what`s with the ostrich?”
Banta replies with a slight frown, “My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

Santa happened to participate in a competition, which was about writing the shortest story.
The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients viz. religion, sex, suspense and mystery.
When Santa’s turn came after many attempts by others. Santa’s story was of just one sentence which read “Oh god, my wife is going to deliver a child”.
Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked the american whether it contained all the four ingredients! American replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below:
Oh god: religion.
My wife: sex.
Going to deliver a child: suspense (whether a girl or a boy)
“Okay…. but where is the mystery?” asked one of the organizers.
Santa replied: who is the father? He was the winner for writing the shortest story!

Santa was shifting his residence. He was packing his belongings. By midnight he was too tired and dozed off with the house door open.
A sound woke him up. A thief was packing valuables. Santa found it very amusing; the thief was doing the job for him! “When this smart guy finishes packing, I will catch him”.
Santa was a hefty guy; so when the burglar finished packing, Santa Singh jumped on him and tied him up. Then he went to the police station and reported the matter.
“What did you do to the thief”?
“I tied his hands; you come and collect him”.
“I hope you tied his legs too”.
Santa felt a cold feeling in his spine; he had forgotten about the legs. He sat down for a while. Then he cheered up and said, “Inspector Sab, the thief, he will still be there”.
“How do you know”?
“Well, that fellow is a Sardarji

4 men – a Marathi, Bengali, Gujrati and our Santa were being interviewed for a top job. With nothing to choose between them, the President told them over dinner that the decisive test would be carried out the following morning, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job.

The next morning, first up was the Marathi. “Here`s your question,” said the President, “What`s the fastest thing in the world?”
Without hesitation, he replied “A thought, because it takes no time at all.”
“Very good answer,” said the President.

Next up was the Gujrati, “What`s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president.
“A blink,” replied the Texan almost instantaneously, “cos you don`t think about a blink. It`s a reflex.”
“Good answer,” replied the president.

Next was the Bengali, “What`s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president.
The Bengali thought for a moment, “Electricity, because you can flip a switch and 20 miles away a light will go on immediately. ”
“That`s a great answer,” replied the president.

Finally, it was our Santa`s turn. “What`s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president.
Scratching his head Santa replied: “Diarrhoea, because last night after dinner I was lying on my bed when I got these awful stomach pains and before I could think, blink or turn on the light…..”

Banta and and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave them not much to do, so the son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions.
“How does this boat float?”
Banta thought for a moment, then replied, “Don`t rightly know, son.”
The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, “How do fish breath underwater?”
Once again Banta replied, “Don`t rightly know, son.”
A little later the boy asked Banta, “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, Banta replied, “Don`t rightly know, son.”
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”
Banta immediately assured him, “Of course not, son. If you don`t ask questions, you`ll never learn anything!”

Jeeto came running up to Santa jumping for joy.
Not knowing how to react, Santa started jumping up and down along with her. “Why are we so happy?” Santa asked.
Jeeto, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”
“Great” he said, “tell me what you`re so happy about.”
Jeeto stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. “I`m pregnant!” she gasped.
Santa was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. Santa grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn`t be happier.
Then Jeeto said “Oh, honey there`s more.”
“What do you mean more?”, he asked.
“Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
“It was easy” she said, “I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!”

Girl’s Attitude?
when boy doesn’t look at her she says
KUTTA dekh bhi nahi sakta….
But when boy looks at her she says,
DEKH KAISE KUTTON ki tarah dekh raha hai….

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Vari Varsi Khatan Gaya Si,
Khat Ke Leyanda BUTAA,
Tussi ratti sutte reh gaye,
Tuhaddi Chummi le gaya KUTTA. Oye Balle Balle Balle……

************ ********* ********* *******

Pati – Darling salon pehle tumhara figure coke ki botal ki tareh tha.
Patni – Ab bhi waise hee hai. Bas pehle botal 300ml ki thi, ab 2 LITER ki hai..

************ ********* ********* *******

samundar bhar syllabus hai,
nadi bhar padte hai,
bucket bhar yaad rehta hai,
mug bhar likhte hai,
chullu bhar marks milte hai,
jisme doob ke marte hai..

************ ********* ********* ******

zakham dene ka andaz kuch aisa hai,
zakham de kar kehte hain, ab haal kaisa hai?
kisi ek se gila kya karna yaaro,
puri duniya ka mizaaz hi ek jaisa hai……..

************ ********* ********* ********

NASA ne 3 Sardar Chand pe bheje.
Rocket uda par aadhe raaste se vapas aa gaya!
Jab sardaro ko pucha to bole : aaj amavas hai.. chand to hoga hi nahi!!

************ ********* ********* *******

Father: Beta tune college me sabse mushkil kaam konse shikhe?
Beta: Maine 2 Muskil kaam sikhe. 1) Dantoon se beer ki bottle kholana, 2) Tez aandhi main 1 maachis ki tili se cigrete jalana.

************ ********* ********* *******

Chand par kaali ghata chaati to hogi,
Sitaron mein Chamak aati to hogi.
Tum lakh chupao Duniya se, magar akeley mein
tumhe apni shakal pe hansi aati to Hogi.

************ ********* ********* *******

Ladka apni dilruba se pooch raha hai
Kya pyaar karna paap hai?
Kya pyaar karna paap hai?
Ladke ka dost uske kaan mein bolta hai
Abbey patli gali pakad peeche uska baap hai

************ ********* ********* ********

Apki ‘smile’ ne saara jahan hila diya,
Apki ‘smile’ ne saara jahan hila diya,
COMA se jaage huye mareez ko permanently sula diya.
************ ********* ********* ********* *

Aap itraate bahut ho dil ko behlate bahut ho,
Sochte hai apko Dinner per le jaye,
Par kya kare hamara iraada badal jaata hai,
kyunki tum khate bahut ho…!!
************ ********* ********* ********* ***

Apne roop par itna ghuroor na kar,
sab 2 din ki masti hai,
Tera husn bhi tab tak qayam hai,
jab tak
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Fair & Lovely sasti hai.

************ ********* ********* **

You = cute
You = hot
You = sweet
You = intelligent
You = amazing
You = perfect
Me = liar

************ ********* ********* ********

Teri ma di…
Teri piyo di…
Tere behn di….
Tere pra di….
Teri bhabi di…
Tere poray khandan di…
Te meri v….
Tu “Jaan” hay

************ ********* ********* ********

Dil ki yeh khawaish hai mein tere ghar aaon,

Tere ghar aaon,
Tere ghar aaon,

Baar baar aaon,

Har baar aaon AUR …

Bell baja kar bhaag jaon
************ ********* ********* ******

Agar aap khubsoorat banna chahtey ho to yeh parho

1
234
567
8910
11
12
13
14
15
1617181920.. ……… ……… …
-

-

-

-

-

Arey arey yeh kia itne saloon main nahi hua to ab kia khubsoorat bano gay

If he is late for class, he told,
“Time and Tide wait for none”.
If she is late, then the bus was late.

If a girl is dressed as a boy, she is modern, says the world.
But if a boy is dressed as a girl, ” Has he escaped from the Zoo?”

If a boy talks with a girl, “I think he is trying for her”
But if a girl talks with a boy, then she is trying to be friendly.

When a girl cries, the world is convinced of her
But when a boy cries, “Come on man! Don’t be a girl”.

If a girl meets with an accident, then it’s the mistake of others.
And if a boy meets with an accident, “I think you should learn to drive”.

If a boy sits in front of a city bus, he is mannerless and cultureless brute.
But if a girl sits in the back seat, “Try to respect ladies, man!”.

If a boy gets a big rank in an entrance exam, “You’ve to work hard”.
But if a girl gets a big rank,… Still got 33! Reservation.

If there are girls in a class, the professor gives an interesting lecture,
And if there are no girls, he says,there is no class today.

If a girl does not answer during a viva, then atleast ‘smile’ says the examiner.
But when a boy does not answer,” better luck next time”

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one politician every hour.

Patient: “It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth.”
Dentist: “I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.”

“Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”
“Don’t worry, it won’t happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only.”

Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.
Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.

Democratic differences between USA & India:
In USA you can kiss in public places but cannot shit,
In India you can shit in public places but cannot kiss!

Que: Why does ADNAN SAMI sing geela geela ???
Think, Think, Think,
Don’t know?
ANS: No huggies available in elephant size.!!!

Have something for U
Close ur eyes !
1..2..3..
Cheater, U didn’t close ur eyes, so nothing 4U.

Money can buy…
House but not Home…
Bed not Sleep…
Medicine not health…
MONEY-IS-DIRTY
It only causes pains and sufferings
SO SEND ME UR MONEY AND BE HAPPY

which habit of the galz irritate boys most?

1)Over fashionable

2 )Make up

3)Pretend to be innocent

4)Moody attitude

5)Show attitude

6)Laugh loudly

7)Over frankness

8)Witty attitude(shokhiyan)

9)Set dopatta by seeing them

10)Pose to be unaware of thier presence

which habit of the Boyz irritate Girls most?

1) If u treat Him Nicely ,he says u r in love with Him.

If u dont ,he says u r PROUD

2)If u Dress Nicely,He thinks u r trying 2 LURE Him.

If u dont,He says u r from VILLAGE

3)If u Argue with Him ,he says u r Stubborn.

4)If u Keep Quiet,he says u have No Brains.

5)If u r Smarter Than him,he Will lose Face.

6)If u dint love him,He tries 2 Possess U.

7)If u Love Him ,He Will Try 2 Leave YOU(Very True Huh…..)

8)If u Tell him ur problem,he says u r troublesome

9)If u Hurt him,u r Cruel And If He Hurts u ,u r too Sensitive.

10)If u Flirt with Him,u r Bad And If a guy Flirts wid a girl Den he is Good..

11)If u Tell These Points 2 a guy they ill Swear dat its Not true…nd if u dont share The above points they ill say dat u r selfish.

If a girl laughs loudly,, she?s cheerful,,
If a boy laughs loudly,, he?s mannerless!

If a girl talks sweetly,, she?s charming,,
If a boy talks sweetly,, he?s flirt!

If a girl is shopping,, she?s trendy,,
If a boy is shopping,, he?s wasting money!

If a girl is silent,, she?s feeling sad,,
If a boy is silent,, he?s being rude!

If a girl walks in a group,, it?s a group,,
If a boy walks in a group,, it?s a gang!

If a girl can?t come 4 a date,, she?s shying,,
If a boy can?t come 4 a date,, he?s lying!

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t need a man or woman; they’ll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that…

a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby – if given 9 Months !!!

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were
training to become detectives. To test their skills
in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR
a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

‘This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?’ The first SARDAR answers, ‘That’s easy, we’ll
catch him fast because he only has one eye!’

The policeman says, ‘Well…uh.. .that’s because
the picture I showed is his side profile.’

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he
flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second
SARDAR and asks his, ‘This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?’

The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says,
‘Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only! has
one ear!’ The policeman angrily
responds, ‘What’s the matter with you two??

Of course only one eye and one ear are showing
because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that
the best answer you can come up with?’

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the
picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy
voice asks, ‘This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him? He quickly adds, ‘Think hard before
giving me a stupid answer.’

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a
moment and says, ‘The suspect wears contact lenses.’

The policeman is surprised and speechless because
he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears
contacts or not.

‘Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for
a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get
back to you on that.’ He leaves the room and goes to
his office, checks the suspect’s file in his
computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on
his face.

‘Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect!
does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How
were you able to make such an astute observation? ‘

‘That’s easy,’ the SARDAR replied. ‘He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear’

Newton Laws for Software

Law 1 ..Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by manager.

Law 2. The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.

Law 3. For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.
Bonus

Law 4 .. Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.